Sample Essay 3

Ideas and Analysis: Score = 3
Development and Support: Score = 3
Organization: Score = 3
Language Use and Conventions: Score = 3


Intelligent Machines

Machines have taken a huge role in our day-to-day lives. They can either effect us in a good way or in a bad way. Granted, machines have impacted many people in the workplace but they help us finish the jobs. There are many ups and downs to the development of machines.

Some people have become so dependent on machines they start to lose their “humanity”. Machines can take away the personal aspect of life. For example, we lose basic courtesy, respect, and tolerance for people due to using machines so much. Some machines that could make that happen are; cellphones, computers, and video games. When people purchase one of these machines they usually are on it and depend on it all the time. Due to the lack of self-motivation through machines we could lose our common courtesy.

In the workplace, machines have effected jobs dramatically. They can perform at low-skill repetitive jobs and at high-speed precise jobs. They mostly are better than humans because they are more precise within their work and they are less likely to produce an error. Although machines do help the workplace, they can also harm it as well. By the advancement of so many machines, an abundance of people are losing their jobs due to them. Machines can have a positive and negative effect in the workplace.

Although machines have a good amount of drawbacks, they also have a positive amount on us today. Due to the advancement of machines people are starting to push themselves to a whole new level. People are becoming more educated and precise in the workplace. Also, many people are starting to study machines and enter new, unimagined possibilties into the world! Machines can change the world in a positive way as well as a negative way.

In conclusion, machines effect the lives of everybody in our world today. Whether they effect us in our home or on the job they continue to change people’s outlook on trying new ideas. The development of machines has its ups and downs. For example, they motivate people to work harder in order to compete with them. Although, they can demolish our common courtesy, machines play a huge role in technology today and will continue to shape the world’s future.

Scoring Explanation

Ideas and Analysis = 3
It is clear that the student tried to generate a main idea—the introductory paragraph offers a thesis statement that indicates what the essay will be about: ups and downs to the development of machines. This idea, however, is imprecise and does not lend itself readily to exploration or debate. As such, the writer’s thesis provides a sense of clarity and direction but is only somewhat productive for argument. Analysis is simplistic. The writer does not critique, interrogate, or engage the perspectives; instead, he merely affirms the claims they put forth. Though the writer attempts to draw additional meaning from these perspectives by positioning and evaluating them in a number of contexts—benefits and drawbacks of machines in the workplace, for example—these analyses do not produce a discussion of further implications or underlying assumptions.

Development and Support = 3
The overly general quality of the argument as a whole is mirrored by the development of its points. While there are relevant extensions within each paragraph, many of the writer’s ideas are left to speak for themselves; that is, the writer fails to articulate and support a larger rationale for the argument he wishes to make. Potentially productive ideas—consequences for workers, for example—are asserted but not explored. Though illustration largely clarifies the writer’s ideas, this argument’s significance is left to the reader to infer—why is it important to understand the benefits and drawbacks of intelligent machines? What is the larger point?

Organization = 3
The five-paragraph approach brings order to the writer’s ideas; however, an overdependence on this structure limits its overall effect. Even though the response is organized around the idea of benefits and drawbacks, paragraphs are largely disconnected from one another. As such, important connections—between stated pros and cons in the workplace vs. our personal lives, for example, or between the discussion of pros and cons and a larger controlling purpose—fail to emerge. Without these connections, the organizational principle that guides this response is not wholly productive.

Language Use = 3
The use of language is basic. The writer’s ideas are expressed with general clarity; however, language problems help account for the fuzzy sense of argumentative purpose. Occasional imprecision (Machines have taken a huge role, Due to the lack of self-motivation through machines), limited vocabulary, and clunky sentences indicate only developing skill in this domain.

Next—sample essay #4 . . .